Journal #5

This piano is just a tool!

At nights, I stay up late and cry,
At times, I feel like I could die!
In this life, I don't feel loved,
I always marooned away or shoved!
I can play this piano well,
but I can no longer stand the swell!
Should I be happy?
How can it be if I'm treated this crappy?
Sometimes, I see things as scary,
Why can't I just be happy and merry?
I am best in crying,
never once, I'm lying to cry!
For all my faults, I am to blame,
I am the one to take the shame!
I wish you can see me,
and not this piece besides me!
This piano is just a tool,
As me, I am the fool!

-nizasyazre-

*Imagine being a child prodigy who is not understood by people you long for friendship and a normal life. Write a poem describing your life.

Q2-Island Postcard

Please come home!

I still have vivid pictures of the day
The day we were so happy
to hold you in our arms
to kiss on your juicy cheek

Since the day you were here
I just can't stop smiling
to see you trying to walk
to see you trying to talk

What hurts the most for me
every single time I think of you
to see you cry in your bed
to see you fall from your bike

Where are you now my darling?
where have you been these years?
are you doing great?
are you growing up well?

Please come home! Please come home!
I want to see you, I want to see you
just before I weep
just before I sleep

*Received from a mother.

Q1-Island Postcard

Life is funny

Life
such a lunatic fantasy
blinds one's sacrifice
to seek for eternity

Love
such word is funny

once one succumbs too rough
it drives us crazy

I
such a misery
everytime i close my eyes
I wish you will see me

You
such a peaceful breeze
longing for the view
since you were at ease

*To a best friend who's already gone

Q2-Black & White Postcard

Timeless

Good old days, good old days
Do you still recall?
You were the star in the haze
I was the moon in the hall.

Twist and dance, twist and dance
Do you still remember?
He was a star, no offense
But you were the other.

Time crawls, time runs
Do you still have the picture?
Oh, you were so much fun
Still I hope you are, my dear!

*From: an imaginary old 'friend'.

Q1-Black & White Postcard

We Were There

Remember the day?
It was remarkable.
Oh, how I wish I can turn back the hands of time..

Remember the dress?
I bought it the day before.
Oh, I must tell you, "You were stunning!"

I was there,
You were there,
We were there!

Where are you Stella?
Why haven't you reply?
I called you "Stunning Stella", remember?

I, who have nothing
I, who have no one
You are not in the picture..

I'm old and weak
I'm deaf and mute
But, I'll wait for you Stella!

*Recipient: Imaginary ex-girlfriend...

My Ex-pillow was in My Room

I leaned and rolled
I kissed and hugged
I love you, I love you,
Since the day I met you.

The way you touched me
The way you caressed me
Even thought you've changed,
Hey, "you're still the one I love!"

Off, off you from my bed!
I don't want you here anymore!
I hate you, I hate you,
you cheated on me!

As days passed through,
I miss you, I miss you.
Though you had to leave,
I still love you, forever and ever.
You were there, "Remember?"

I'm still in 'our' room,
This special room
The place we first met,
The day you left...

-aNs-

The Fasting Month

It's been half way through the Ramadhan already. Fasting month is the month where I restrict myself from doing the forbidden things I do and spread some kindness to others. Duh..obviously. Nevertheless, I wish to quote from the person who runs an orphanage in Section 2. "Don't just show kindness only in fasting month! The kids are not here for only one month, they are here for 365 days a year!" "Give more and take less!" I was touched by those.

Ramadhan 2008. I reflect to my behavior this month. Oh goody, I've not change at all. I am stiil the bad person as I always be and I hurt many people around me. The more I say, the more I tend to hurt people. The truth is..I did not mean to hurt them at all...

Ramadhan 2008. It is not as merrier as before. I think that there's no point of celebrating this month like I used to. Though it sounds bad, I have my reason for that. I already lose my excitement on celebrating this coming Eid. Misery, misery, misery. That's all I can say. I just hope everything will be just fine as it used to. I really don't want to cry this Raya.

I think I really save a lot on my spending this time. I've learned to say "That's enough for the day!" I really do. Thus, my pocket is still full and my tummy is full too! Guess what, there's a "hikmah" for everything and Ramadhan teaches me something!

I guess, that's all for now as I'll update whatever comes into my life this fasting month. Till we meet each other again, goodbye. Assalamualaikum.

Items Used???

1.Leather jacket
2.Business card
3.Dusty radio
4.Silver locket with inscription
5.Bottle of herbal medicine
6.Rugby ball
7.Fortune-telling cards
8.A jar o sharpened pencils
9.Brand new laptop

"Today is the day!"...That was his last words before going to his deep sleep. The story goes like this...

Abuya feels like going to heaven today! It is raining outside. His pink leather jacket is wet. There are some holes all over the jacket. It was a gift from his cousin. He's been using it for five years now. At home, he hangs the jacket next to his old hat. The inscription on his silver locket says, "Love is a crying game..." He removes it and puts it on the coffee table. Few drops coming down from his face due to the rain outside.

"This pencil is not sharp enough!" With a degree of tense, he picks another one from a jar filled with sharpened pencils on his writing desk. "Where on earth is the paper???" Out of nowhere, he just wrote something, more to some kind of notes behind one of his business cards. Seemingly, he giggles a little. A drop of purity falls from his innocent face...

He looked at a rugby ball next to the dustbin with a million thoughts going in his mind. The same ball reminds him of his glorious days where people loved him, deeply. He was surrounded by friends back then. Now, the picture is fading...to grey.

His laptop is trying to say something. All that comes from it is.."BUZZ!" The laptop seems to be working well. He just bought it last Tuesday. Someone is sending him an IM. He just can't seem to care less on it. There's a radio on the desk. It looks old and a bit dusty. It seems to make a sound but it is not possible as it is mute already. The radio was bought in 1969. He bought it last year in Jalan T.A.R..

The last raindrop sings a despair song in silence. As he giggles, he aims for a pen. The IM on the laptop's screen says, "Goodbye..." The echo of his giggles can be heard from afar. He was a joyful guy back then. Now, he is just another victim of a heartless world. "Love is a crying game.."

My Favourite Fictional Character

When I was a little boy, I have always had passion towards "Superman". I though he was great! Then I shifted my passion on "Ultraman" Believe it or not, Ultramans are hilariously great! What I meant by that is...they look silly but powerful. Of course, I did not see the 'silly' part when I was little.

That was then. I wonder why it always lead me to fictional superhero. Fictional character does not necessarily have to be the heroes. Therefore, what I'm about to expose here is my favourite fictional character all the time. That would be Nancy in most of James Patterson's novels.

Nancy is a detective. She is determined in doing her job. There's nothing more important than solving the mystery (murders). However, it is not like the typical crime story. It is beyond complicated and...hard to explain. The character herself is not stereotyped by the author. She is sick. She has a severe blood disease yet she still determines to finish what she has started.

She often skips the appointment to see the doctor and she does not really have fun with her life. Along the way of her new-promoted job, she makes friends whom I can tell are the greatest friend we can ever imagine. All of them works in different field yet they manage to sit together and find solution for the mystery.

Nancy portrays the characteristic of a true, great and loyal friend. She never crosses her friends and she treats others fairly equal. When it comes to love, she's always have an issue. It is...about trust. Therefore, she encounters failures in many in her love life. Being a super-policewoman makes her entitled for the attention and not to mention the pressure. She becomes ill and its getting worse by days. Work becomes her love in the end and tragically, her work sucks her lifespan.

One thing about Nancy is, she always have positive thought in her mind as if the world will treat her fair in life. I somehow think that this what makes her happy all the time. She looks for opportunity and chance in her every action. Nancy is my idol.

Books? BookS? Book?

Hmmm...I'm 20 years old. I will be 21 this coming December. So far, I have been reading many kinds of books. I have to accept the fact that I'm not a fan of thick books. However, there are some books that have left a good impact on me.

When I was a little boy, my late mum used to read me books from Enid Blyton. She got those from US when she was studying. The best story in Blyton's books would be the one that have pixies in it. Then comes the Famous Five series. I just love that! Somehow, I prefer the Secret Seven series more. Perhaps, as I grow up, they fancied me. I must say, the idea of 'young' detectives grabbed my interest that time. I still remember my favourite character from that series. It is 'Peter'. He is the leader and the bravest among them. From this series, later on, the Famous Five comes.

As I following my path of growing old, I 'accidentally' read this book. It's a Malay novel and the title is "Tombiruo". To me, it is a great story and it is not a stereotypical kind of story. The way the author wrote about the "Semangat Hutan" just drove me nuts. It's a heart-pumping story with lots of values in it! Tombiruo is actually a nice guy despite his beastly face. I just love the story! The conflicts and dramas that happened to him made me realize that we are living in a men world! Tombiruo represents the innocent hope in most of our hearts to find peace.

Then I started to develop my interest on "mystery" theme novel. A friend of mine suggested me to read books from James Patterson. WOW! Seriously, the author is extremely talented! I first read on "2nd Chance". Then I read about "4th of July". They are actually part of the series. Patterson writes about Women's Murder Club series. I just love the ideas of how those women met and became close friends as to solve the mysteries. I've read most of his books in the series. Last semester, I've read the "3rd Degree" and "5th Horseman". Its incomplete though. Nevertheless, this semester, I've come across his great fiction which is "You've Been Warned". It's not in the series but all I can tel you is: "Fantastico!" My heart beats faster than a bullet train as I 'free-read' in Kinokunya (KLCC). Damn, he's really good!

A book that influences me lately is "Sunstroke" by Jesse Kellerman. This is his first novel yet it's thrilling! The crimes, the dramas and conflicts are incredibly beyond my imagination. No wonder. He has the 'x-factor' to write. His parents are well-established authors. I'm not a big fan of them actually as I prefer Patterson's works than them (Jonathan and Faye Kellerman). The suspense somehow made me having nightmares. Hahaha..The murdered in Mexico intoduced the disturbing picture of this novel. The theme of 'love and hatred' drives people to do things beyond our capability. It's disturbing to read the novel at times. The feelings of hatred makes me want to turn the pages over and over till it ends. I bought it for just RM59 at MPH.

There are some other books that influence me to read. I think those books are important as it focuses on my interest which is on THRILLER and MYSTERY. It also stimulates my interest to watch that kind of fiction. People may see me as a disturbed person as I develop this passion on reading such materials but I just could not care less as long as I'm happy for that. I enjoy it!